The Sweetest Suite
"The Sweetest Suite" '''is the fourth episode of the first series of Sweet Sow. Summary After winning a beauty pageant, Peppa and her mother take a holiday to Olimu and stay at the Olimu Suites Resort. Script (Mummy Pig is in a hotel lobby, with Peppa beside her.) '''Mummy Pig: We want a super deluxe suite. Peppa: How much longer, mummy? We've been waiting here for hours. Mummy Pig: Don't know. Receptionist: I'm sorry, but no suites are currently available at this moment. Please come back later. Mummy Pig: Well, that's shite! Peppa: '''We could just go to another hotel. '''Mummy Pig: '''No. '''Peppa: Oh. There's this kid named Scribbleton, who has been charged plagiarism and other felonies. Mummy Pig: What did he do? Peppa: '''He copied episodes from Peppa's Adventures. '''Mummy Pig: Good for him. Peppa: He also copied OUR first episode. Mummy Pig: Time for execution, bitch! ScribbledEggs: Bitch. I wasn't stealing, I mean it. Mummy Pig: Oh hell naw! ScribbledEggs: '''I'm innocent, ya whores. '''Mummy Pig: '''I am not a prostitute. '''ScribbledEggs: '''Oh really? What was your first job and where was it at? '''Mummy Pig: '''Benson's Street Klub as a prostitute at the age of 20. '''ScribbledEggs: '''I was right then. '''Mummy Pig: '''Fuck. '''Peppa: '''Can I sit over there? '''Mummy Pig: '''Sure, why not? '''Peppa: Okay. Wait. Why is that man over there not wearing shoes? Excuse me, sir? Dan Schneider: Yes? Peppa: Can you please put on a pair of sneakers? Dan Schneider: No. Lick them. Peppa: What? That's it! I'm becoming a communist. Mummy Pig: Peppa, no! (Peppa transforms into Joseph Stalin.) Joseph Stalin: '''Is anybody here communist? '''Mateusz: '''I am. '''Joseph Stalin: '''I wasn't talking to you. '''Mateusz: '''Okay, fine. (disappears into darkness) '''Mummy Pig: '''I want my daughter back. '''Joseph Stalin: '''Fine. (Joseph Stalin turns back into Peppa.) '''Peppa: '''I hate my shitty life. '''Dan Schneider: Whatever happened to Fred Figglehorn? Mummy Pig: He turned into Jimmy Savile. Dan Schneider: Who's that? Is he a pervert, just like me? Mummy Pig: No. There has been a rumor going around that he was one, but that's not true. Dan Schneider: Oh shit! The Hitchhiker: Dan? Dan Schneider: Who are you? The Hitchhiker: It's me, Fred Figglehorn. From 2008. Remember? Dan Schneider: Nope. ScribbledEggs: Mind blown! (head explodes) Mummy Pig: '''Monkey named Mayan on the Island of iSally. '''Peppa: Mummy, I see a nightclub over there. Can I go inside, please? Mummy Pig: Okay, you can. Peppa: Thanks. (Peppa runs into the nightclub.) Guard: How old are you? Peppa: Um... twenty-three. Guard: Oh, okay. Come in, then. (Peppa goes through the door to the nightclub, and it appears to be empty.) Peppa: Why is this place empt- (Suddenly, a barbershop trio comprised of three clones of Jimmy Savile pop up in front of Peppa.) Jimmy Savile Clones: (singing) We hope you good have come to our place, and good is great today. If you feel like you're tired and you gotta get hired, then come again to stay. Cause when... (Peppa runs out of the nightclub.) Peppa: Is that a Chucky lookalike over there? Guard: Who you lookin' at, kid? (in a Marvey Harvey voice) Fofão. Peppa: What? Angela Anaconda: (on TV) Ee-rah-he. Peppa: How did that TV turn on? Angela Anaconda: Bruh. (Angela starts to melt.) Peppa: What the fuck? (Angela jumps out of the TV as Fofão.) Peppa: Eek! Too scary. Fofão: That's right. It's me, Fofão. Peppa: What do you want from me? Fofão: To kill you. Peppa: No. (Peppa morphs into Adolf Hitler.) Hitler: Eat the children, Bertram. Bertram Bliter: No. Why is everyone misspelling my last name as "Bilter"? (Bertram is eaten by Hitler.) Brianna Cutie: Hello? Where's my brother? Bertram, is that you? Hitler: Ee uh oy ruh. Brianna Cutie: Heil Hitler! Heil our supreme lord Adolf Hitl- AAAAH! (Hitler starts to eat Brianna.) Mateusz: (offscreen) I'm gonna form a Warsaw pact. Hitler: Commies, nope. Mateusz: Oh photo. Mummy Pig: Peppa?! Peppa?! Where the hell are you? Hitler: Nightclub. I want Brtrram zein to come here. Mummy Pig: Alright. The room we're staying at is a super deluxe premium suite. (Hitler exits the nightclub. However, he has transformed back into Peppa.) Peppa: Which floor, mummy? Mummy Pig: The top floor, obviously. Dan Schneider: Take off your shoes. I'll lick your feet. Sound good? Peppa: Bitch, squeak. Dan Schneider: Squeak. Squeak. Peppa: You're doing it wrong. Dan Schneider: Good. (Dan transforms into Muffy Crosswire.) Peppa: This is how you squeak. Muffy: Bitch. I ain't got no time for that shit. Peppa: Never mind. Muffy: Make my feet...BIGGER! Peppa: Um... (Peppa flies out of the hotel.) Peppa: I have to escape this fucking shithole city. Mummy Pig: Peppa, wake up! (Suddenly, Peppa finds herself standing beside Mummy Pig at the lobby.) Peppa: What happened? Mummy Pig: Peppa, you must come with me to the super deluxe suite now. Also, I've got something important to do with Dan Schneider, so please wait a minute. Peppa: Does it have to do with something about feet? Mummy Pig: Don't ask. (Mummy Pig walks up to Dan Schneider, who has turned back to normal.) Dan Schneider: Do you have the "secret documents"? Mummy Pig: What do you mean? Dan Schneider: I was only joking. Mummy Pig: Oh. By the way... (Mummy Pig knocks herself over Dan.) Dan Schneider: Ow. Peppa: That looks fun. Is it for kids? Mummy Pig: Hell no. Dan Schneider: American coin. (Dan stands up and starts walking around, as he slowly transforms into Robert Raccoon.) Dan Schneider: It's Hitler's birthday. Peppa: Dan, what's happening to you? Dan Schneider: Dan Schneider never actually existed. He was just a costume. Peppa: What? He was my favorite TV producer. Why did this happen? Dan Schneider: You're a crook. Peppa: Please. This is all lies. Right? Robert Raccoon: Fuck this. I'm Mummy Pig. Come with me to the suite. Peppa: Fine. Mummy Pig: Stop right there, Mark. I'm the real Mummy Pig. You have no right to take my daughter to the suite. Tommy Wiseau: Oh hi Mark. Peppa: Who are you? Tommy Wiseau: Incomplete. Receptionist: Your mega-super-deluxe premium suite has been booked for today. Mummy Pig: Ah, great. Receptionist: It's on the top floor. Mummy Pig: Which room? Receptionist: Room 1001B. The last room. Mummy Pig: Okay. Peppa, we're coming to stay at the super deluxe suite. Peppa: Okay. (They go inside the elevator.) Peppa: Sleep? Mummy Pig: Not yet. We need to get to floor 1001B first. Peppa: Internalized oppression. Mummy Pig: It'll take a few minutes to get to the top floor. Peppa: Top of the Pops? Mummy Pig: Jimmy Savile. Ugh! (Mummy Pig starts to jump up and down. Due to her weight, she causes the elevator to shake.) Peppa: You're gonna kill us both if you keep doing this. Mummy Pig: JIMMY WAS NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!!!! (Suddenly, the lights go out.) Peppa: We're all gonna die! Mummy Pig: Crap. (The elevator starts to fall back down, as they start screaming.) Mummy Pig: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUUUCK!!! (The elevator crashes on the main floor.) Peppa: Phew. At least we didn't end up dead. (Peppa is electrocuted by faulty wires. After that, a policeman walks toward Mummy Pig.) Policeman: You are under arrest for the reenactment of the Lemington Trumpets Pavilion elevator incident of 2002. Mummy Pig: Hell no. (Mummy Pig and Peppa are teleported near a door to the suite.) Mummy Pig: This must be our suite. (Mummy Pig opens the door, and the same Jimmy Savile barbershop trio from before pops out.) Mummy Pig: Get the fuck out of my God damn room. Jimmy Savile Clones: (singing) So Mummy Pig started jumping up and down. She was 'bout to make the elevator break. Dan Schneider: (singing) 'Bout to make it break. Mummy Pig: I'll crush your fucking skulls. Jimmy Savile Clones: When it broke down and she got arrested, they finally arrived at the suite. Dan Schneider: They're at the suite. Jimmy Savile Clones: And they stayed there... Dan Schneider: And they stayed there... (Mummy Pig kicks Dan Schneider.) Dan Schneider: OW! Voice: (offscreen) Animal abuse. Peppa: We have our own pool. Can I sing Relaxation from Peppa's Adventures? Mummy Pig: No, because I forgot to ask Fred for my vodka. Peppa: WAAAH! Hitchhiker: Hello? Mummy Pig: VODKA! Hitchhiker: Do you know that the hotel has room service? Mummy Pig: No shit. All luxury hotels do. Hitchhiker: And has vodka on the menu. Mummy Pig: I'm too lazy to use the room service only to get vodka. Hand me some in a jiffy, or die. Hitchhiker: Uh-huh. (chuckles) Mummy Pig: Do you think I'm fucking joking? Hitchhiker: Okay! Okay! I'll go down, right now. (The hitchhiker walks out of the suite.) Mummy Pig: And be sure to bring me Star Sheep's "Cigarettes," too. Hitchhiker: Alright. I'll try to not make you wait long. Mummy Pig: Okay. I'm gonna switch on the telly and tune into Playboy TV. Peppa: But that's pornography. Mummy Pig: Don't care. (Playboy TV is turned on.) Announcer: Coming up now on Playboy TV, The Barnum Gang Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo. Mummy Pig: Okay. Do you want to become a real woman? Peppa: Nope. Can we turn on PA instead? Mummy Pig: No. I'm watching Playboy until the end of this movie, and that's final. Peppa: I'm going to my room. (On the TV...) Cloyne: (on TV) Ey, hookah... (Cloyne starts to bite his band's manager, who is being held by Bob Saget Cat.) Cloyne: Say, where is my husband? Bob: Dead. Cloyne: Nope. (Frown starts shaking rapidly.) Jesse: Hey Frown, why are you shaking? Frown: I got chills. They're multiplying. Cloyne: You'll float too! (Suddenly, Frown explodes.) Cloyne: No. Bob: Funeral. Home. Jesse: Casket. Audience: (offscreen) FUNERAL! FUNERAL! FUNERAL! FUNERA- Cloyne: Shut up. Peta Pig: Animal abusers. Mummy Pig: PEPPA! Peppa: What? Mummy Pig: Watch it with me. Peppa: I don't want to, because it's for adul- Mummy Pig: WATCH IT WITH ME OR DIE. Peppa: Fine. But Playboy TV is 18+. Mummy Pig: I said I don't care. Peppa: That's against the law. Mummy Pig: DON'T! CARE! Peppa: Fine. (Peppa leaves her room to sit on the couch with Mummy Pig.) Mummy Pig: Finally. Hitchhiker: I have your vodka and a copy of "Cigarettes" by Star Sheep. Mummy Pig: Thank you, Fred. Hitchhiker: You're welcome. Peppa: I'm tired. Mummy Pig: Sleep on the floor, then. The beds in this suite are too large. Peppa: I'll watch the movie, then. Mummy Pig: No, Peppa. You have to sleep on the ground right now if you're tired. Peppa: I was just kidding. Can I go to the pool? Mummy Pig: No, because it's too late and it's getting cold outside. Peppa: Bite me! Mummy Pig: Okay. Peppa: Please don't. (Mummy Pig bites Peppa anyway.) Peppa: EEK! (Peppa turns into Jimmy Savile.) 'Jimmy Savile: '''OH HAI DALE! (faces starts to melt) '''Mummy Pig: '''FUCK! '''Jimmy Savile: '''Yay. (Jimmy Savile morphs into DVD bitch.) '''DVD bitch: '''Bitch, I wanna go home. (Suddenly, DVD bitch and Mummy Pig are teleported to the cockpit of an airplane.) '''Hitchhiker: '(voice only) Hello. (Suddenly, DVD bitch realizes that the hitchhiker is the pilot.) 'DVD bitch: '''Oh shit! (DVD bitch transforms back into Peppa.) '''Peppa: '''Why are you the pilot? '''Hitchhiker: '''Because. '''Peppa: '''Because what? '''Dan Schneider: '''And I'm the co-pilot. '''Mummy Pig: '''Shit. '''Hitchhiker: '''Oops. (accidentally spills coffee on control panel) '''Mummy Pig: '''Oh fuck, we're all gonna die now. '''Dan Schneider: '''Raccoon. (Dan Schneider turns into Robert Raccoon.) '''Robert: '''Let's sing The Bing Bong Song! '''Peppa: '''This isn't the right time to sing a song. '''Mummy Pig: '''We need to go see a doctor? '''Hitchhiker: '''Doctor who? '''Mummy Pig: '''Don't ever mention that ever again, since that shit's copyrighted. '''Hitchhiker: '''Oh, sorry. '''Peppa: '''The plane is gonna crash into... '''Hitchhiker: '''Building! (The plane crashes through the Olimu Entertainment Building, however the plane is somehow still not damaged from crashing.) '''Hitchhiker: '''Worm. Hole. '''Peppa: '(singing) No. Oh. No. I'm a beauty queen. Yes, I am. Bitch, I know Nepal's name. Oh. No. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. 'Mummy Pig: '''Stop it! That song made my ears bleed. '''Peppa: '''Sorry. '''Hitchhiker: '''Fuller. House. '''Peppa: '''What do you even mean? '''Hitchhiker: '''Burn baby burn. Burn baby burn. '''Peppa: '''No. '''Mummy Pig: '''Yas. '''Hitchhiker: '''No. '''Peppa: '''Please explain your reasoning. '''Hitchhiker: '''We're escaping this God damn wormhole right fucking now! (The crashing plane, inside a wormhole, gets out of there before the wormhole closes.) '''Hitchhiker: '''Ocean! '''Mummy Pig: '''Tell me more, tell me more. '''Robert: '(singing) I have friends, I definitely have friends. Friends, friends, friendly friends. I have all the friends. '''Peppa: '''It's not appropriate to sing before death. '''Robert: '''Fine. '''Peppa: '''Oh shit! Well, that's all folks! '''Hitchhiker: '''Goodbye grey sky, hello blue! '''Peppa: '''Can we watch The Greatest Showman, before we all die? '''Mummy Pig: '''Nope. '''Peppa: '''Why? '''Mummy Pig: '''Don't feel like it. '''Peppa: '''Please? '''Mummy Pig: '''No. '''Peppa: '''Fine. '''Robert: '''Three's company, too! (The plane crashes into the ocean, causing everyone to scream ) '''Hitchhiker: '''There's nothing can hold me, when I hold you. (end) Category:Fanon Category:Sweet Sow episodes